So how in the hell do I do this?
by Laurissy
Summary: Blackwall's trying to figure out how he's fallen in love with a qunari. Iron Bull decides to have some fun with him. After all Blackwall doesn't know anything about qunrari. Blackwall/ FemAdaar


So how in the hell do I do this?

 **A/N so yeah I've decided to break the mould a little bit and do a Blackwall fic. Mainly because as much as I love Solavellan variety is the spice of life. Also because I think Blackwall is a bit underappreciated and I wanted to spread a bit of Blackwall love.**

Blackwall looked down at his half drunk tankard. Staring at the dark brown liquid hoping that it would give him some answers. Unfortunately all it did was respond with a glum silence. He tried to process what had just happened. He'd went to inquisitor Adaar determined to end whatever it was they had before it got out of hand. He liked her a lot but she was far too good for him and after everything he'd done, he didn't deserve anything as good as her. So he'd decided to end it.

She refused and then her lips. Those lips that felt like a revelation as they touched his. Her tongue gaining entry so easily breaching the wall that he'd built around him. He'd kissed her grey skin, squeezed her breasts, felt her magnificent horns. He'd fantasised about it, actually being close to her. As he continued to look into his drink, he wondered what it would be like to go further. He felt his member tingle at the thought, as he thought of sweat dripping down her skin, the sound of her panting.

"How's it going?" A voice boomed out. Whatever arousal he had been feeling died in an instant as he turned to see the Iron Bull.

"It's good." He replied staring intently at his drink, hoping he'd leave. This was the last thing he needed when he was so mixed up.

"So I heard you were in the boss' room last night." Iron Bull told the whole pub as he got up a stool and sat next to the human.

Blackwall turned a dark shade of red "That is nobody's concern."

"Right" Iron Bull nodded "So did she set you on fire?"

"What?" Blackwall asked his face turned to look at the qunari.

"Guess not" Iron bull said "Don't worry you'll get her next time."

"What are you talking about next time?"

"Look they all told me don't be worried if they didn't breathe fire the first time, it takes a while for humans to figure out how to do it right."

"Do what right?" Blackwall asked exasperated.

"She didn't tell you huh."

"Tell me what."

Iron bull looked at the quivering wreck who was in front of him and smiled slightly "Oh when qunari orgasm they breathe fire."

"What?"

"Oh yeah they breathe fire, I remember my first time, I had burns on my shoulder for weeks that's why I always have flame resistant shoulder pads."

"She breathes fire" he exclaimed.

"Only when she's excited just make sure you drink some flame resistant tonics you should be fine."

"Should?"

"Well I suppose if you keep doing what you're doing, you should be safe."

"Look for your information, my relationship with the inquisitor hasn't advanced to that level."

"Really, so you don't know about the nipples." Iron Bull asked drinking his drink.

"What about the nipples?" Blackwall asked cautiously.

"They release acid" Iron bull said licking his lips "You know she's wet for your when the acid starts to tingle on your skin."

"Acid!" Blackwall screamed. The whole pub turned to look at him but he barely noticed.

"You'll be fine, just make sure you have a health potion on you afterwards and you'll be fine." Iron Bull hit Blackwall on the back, struggling to contain his laughter and he wondered if he could come up with any more bullshit for him to swallow. Blackwall's face had turned pale white and sweat started to pour down his skin. His mouth was wide open and any thoughts of drinking had completely gone from his mind.

"Boss, what are you doing?" Krem asked puzzled trying to figure out what had happened to Blackwall.

The Iron Bull was grinning more than usual. Krem looked at her boss's smile and then at Blackwall who looked like he'd just had his insides removed and replaced with ice. "What have you done boss?"

"Nothing" Iron Bull replied.

"Boss?" Krem asked accusingly "Look the inquisitor is not going to be happy that you broke her lover."

"I didn't break him; he'll be fine in a sec".

Blackwall continued to stare out into space, Iron Bull waved his hand in front of him. "Blackwall, Blackwall, oh look, it's the boss."

"My Lady" he shouted turned and then promptly spun round on his stool and fell over. As he looked up to see the Bull's laugh echoing throughout the tavern. Krem was also trying not to laugh.

"I'm an ass." Blackwall looked up realisation dawning.

The Bull kept laughing "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist, it was just too good." The Bull gestured to the bartender "You just believed everything, I said, it was amazing, I've never had so much fun, well I guess I have there was that time after I killed a dragon and there was that knight."

"I heard that poor tavern owner is still cleaning up after that night." Krem shook his head.

The tavern owner appeared with more drinks as he heard what Krem said his face scrunched up. Krem went over "Cheers mate."

"Cheers" Iron Bull boomed.

Blackwall meanwhile picked himself up the floor "So that was all bullshit."

"I lie for a living; you really shouldn't believe anything I say." Iron Bull said honestly.

"Well that's just great, I've made a complete fool of myself and I'm still no closer to figuring out how I'm actually supposed to do this."

Iron Bull taking pity on the dope "Look sex is simple, you stick your thing in a hole or let someone stick their thing in your hole but what you guys have is different."

"What do you mean?"

Krem piped up "Look she could have sex with anyone but she wants to be with you."

"Why?" Blackwall asked "I don't know what I'm doing and I sure as hell don't deserve her anyway."

"Isn't that up to me?" A voice rang out.

Blackwall cringed; Iron Bull spoke up "Hey Boss, how are you doing?"

"We need to talk don't we?" The inquisitor asked her lover.

"Yes you do" Bull agreed, grabbing the warrior and throwing him gently outside. "I'll make sure it stays private" he whispered.

"Thanks Bull" Scarlette said heading outside.

Bull sat on his chair and just picked up his axe and looked around the bar, he then grabbed his tankard "Bar keep, A round on me, beer for everyone" with that there was a loud cheer and the inquisitor was quickly forgotten.

They walked to the stables, "So what happened?"

"Bull knew about you and I and he decided to have some fun at my expense and because I've never been with anyone like you before, wait that came out wrong no one's like you it doesn't matter that you're a qunari not that I mind you being a qunari."

She kissed him, letting his tongue into her mouth and she felt his confusion turn to hunger as he kept kissing her. She stopped more for air than anything else "Holy Maker you're a great kisser."

Blackwall looked down almost ashamed "I can't believe this is happening, how have I managed to do this, how did this happen, I don't know how to handle this."

"Can I be honest?" Scarlette asked "me neither, I run one of the most powerful organisations in Thedas and this is what scares me."

Blackwall laughed "What do you have to be scared of?"

Scarlette grabbed her arm defensively "Sometimes after I've shown an interest people get scared and run away or they just want to use me and run away which is ok when I'm using them but with you it's different."

"I will never run from you, I don't think I can I love you too much." Blackwall said looking into her beautiful red eyes.

"We haven't known each other that long but I really like you and I'm just scared."

"I'm scared too" Blackwall admitted, it felt good to finally say it all his life he'd been scared, scared of failure, scared of poverty, scared of the truth, himself. But now in front of her he could finally admit it. "But I can't not want you and I don't care if you breathe fire, I just need to make you happy."

"You know it could take a while to learn how to make me happy."

Blackwall kissed her neck "My Lady, I am at your command."

 **A/N so that was interesting so finishing up a half written fan fic. I just thought it was a fun idea and I hope some of you guys agree with me.**


End file.
